6 months!

Cuttest kid ever!! Lipstick smudge on his cheek from so many kisses! They are addicting!
Me, Korbin, KZ at the mall while shopping with Kerri for his blessing outfit

6 months ago today the most beautiful little baby boy was born!! I remember the first thing I noticed about him was first his hair (of course!) then his feet. LOL He did have pretty big feet! The anastesiologist said " wow he is so cute you guys should do this for a living" hahaha I don't think he knew the situation of Korbin being placed for adoption. Of course he was cute and both DP and I knew we did pretty darn good.
I remember laying there on the table as they were stitching me up, they laid him in his basinet next to me and Danny and he just stared at both of us. Eyes wide open, like "Hey I know you guys". I remember when they took him to the nursery to clean him up while they stitched me up that I could hardly stand not being with him. Our first moments back in my recovery room were very tender. I have had a child before so I know what incredible overwhelming love like that can feel like. This was different, or maybe it had been so long since I had felt it for the first time since KZ is 6. I felt the most overwhelming feeling of love for him.
As you can tell from the last couple posts it has been a hard last month for me. I think adjusting to life finally sort of "settling" was what set it off. I am feeling much better! As I was remembering today and texting DP about that day all I can think of is the joy I felt the day he was born. Mind you I was totally high on demoral from some severe stomach pains I was having but I don't look back on that day as sad. We were his parents, DP and I had some good moments with our baby boy before the whole crew arrived. We were his proud parents, and soon his other proud parents came to join us. Unfortunately the rest of the day I don't remember that clearly because of the medication I was on. Kerri often jokes that I laid in my bed dozing off and then out of nowhere saying "its ok its ok you guys can stay" LOL
Happy 6 months baby boy!!! I am so proud to be apart of God's plan to get you to this earth and despite the heartache it has cause you are SO worth it!!!

The reason.....

Here are a few pics to break up the gloom around here. A recent visit with DP and little G.

Lucky boy has so many women to love him.......including his 2 sisters!

Those delicously chubby cheeks

Could anyone ever really know?

I'm still in the midst of my confusion, my sadness, my anger. I'm working through it slooooooowwwwly I have good moments but those seem to be overshadowed quickly by the bad moments. My thoughts today turn to the wonderful people around me, who love me, who support me, who let me bawl my eyes out, listen to me and tell me that they don't understand but are here for me. I am and will forever be grateful for my support I have so many angels around me.
I thought of this because my sister saw me today and knew something wasn't right. I am not good at opening up so she pulled me aside and I let it all flow out. Can anyone even comprehend what I have been through?? Does anyone know what its like to have a child in your belly, to love them, to cry over them, to consume your thoughts with their physical and emotional well being and in and instant that is all gone. Gone......all you have is a memory of a wonderful week you spend with them in your arms. Gone..... can anyone understand the sacrifice that a mother makes when she chooses to go against every instinct you have to want to raise them, to want to care for them, to want to see their every moment, to be there to care for them and instead know that what you have to offer isn't good enough. And know that beautiful little life deserves so much more than what you have.
I know there are other birth moms reading this and they are truly the only ones who can understand. I just wish for a small moment, for a glimpse that others could too. That they could see the heartach, the pain, and bittersweet that comes when you place your beautiful child into their parents arms.
DP did say one day that pain is our burden to carry. That its hard but that he would rather carry it than for others to understand. He makes a good point, I can see through the fog of my sorrow, pain and anger that this is a privledge. That this pain is mine to carry for the sake of others so they can be happy, so he can be happy and have all the joys in life he deserves. I know it won't be easy, but as one has said I know it will be worth it.
Excuse my sadness really.........but thank you for listening for letting me lighten my load for just a moment.

Words that speak...

I had heard these lyrics once before I gave birth to Korbin. At first I looked at them in a romantic way but then when I thought of what I was going to soon experience they fit so well. I'm a big music person and I love to hear lyrics that speak to me.

"I wish you everything and all the best that life can bring I only hope you think of me sometimes and even though I feel the pain I know that I will love again. The time will come and I will move on, I got a long, long way before I can say goodbye to you, I got a long long way to go, got a long way I know before I can ...say goodbye. before I say goodbye to all I ever knew, to all I ever knew....."

Dedicated to my little boy...think of me sometimes, I will never say goodbye.