I'm still in the midst of my confusion, my sadness, my anger. I'm working through it slooooooowwwwly I have good moments but those seem to be overshadowed quickly by the bad moments. My thoughts today turn to the wonderful people around me, who love me, who support me, who let me bawl my eyes out, listen to me and tell me that they don't understand but are here for me. I am and will forever be grateful for my support I have so many angels around me.
I thought of this because my sister saw me today and knew something wasn't right. I am not good at opening up so she pulled me aside and I let it all flow out. Can anyone even comprehend what I have been through?? Does anyone know what its like to have a child in your belly, to love them, to cry over them, to consume your thoughts with their physical and emotional well being and in and instant that is all gone. Gone......all you have is a memory of a wonderful week you spend with them in your arms. Gone..... can anyone understand the sacrifice that a mother makes when she chooses to go against every instinct you have to want to raise them, to want to care for them, to want to see their every moment, to be there to care for them and instead know that what you have to offer isn't good enough. And know that beautiful little life deserves so much more than what you have.
I know there are other birth moms reading this and they are truly the only ones who can understand. I just wish for a small moment, for a glimpse that others could too. That they could see the heartach, the pain, and bittersweet that comes when you place your beautiful child into their parents arms.
DP did say one day that pain is our burden to carry. That its hard but that he would rather carry it than for others to understand. He makes a good point, I can see through the fog of my sorrow, pain and anger that this is a privledge. That this pain is mine to carry for the sake of others so they can be happy, so he can be happy and have all the joys in life he deserves. I know it won't be easy, but as one has said I know it will be worth it.
Excuse my sadness really.........but thank you for listening for letting me lighten my load for just a moment.
Pain is not a privilege. I am sad you have been added to this 'club'. You are not supposed to carry a burden of pain in order for others to be happy. Giving up YOUR child in order to make someone happy is a tragedy and a pain I understand all too well. You don't need to ask for anyone to excuse your sadness and if they can't understand it its because they have no idea about what it is like to rip their own heart out. Giving up a child is against all the laws of Nature; the mother-baby bond is not created in order for it to be broken. I do not know your story and I can see you are trying to accept this for the sake of others. I am so sad for you and your child. This was no privilege. This is a freaking tragedy.
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