Drowning....

It seems that hard things in life never stop. Once one does, another one comes along. Today I feel I can barely keep my head above water. I know I should post happy things...I know I should be positive but I just wanna turn on the shower and bawl my eyes out. I miss him........I'm having one of those times that I would do anything to rewind back to March 15th and spend those wonderful 5 days with him.
I met with a sort of "natural healer" awhile ago. She called me out of the blue today I told her a bit of how I was feeling. She said kick yourself out of the glass that you feel you are drowning in and get oxygen. I tried it, it didn't work. LOL guess I shouldn't be surprised.
My baby girl starts 1st grade tomorrow, I have a variety of emotions. Mostly those of inadequacy, sadness and scared for her. I wish I could be like other moms, able to give her all the things that normal families have. I guess its another reminder of why I placed Korbin but that thought doesn't help how much my heart is aching right now. I get bitter alot (surprised????!!!) hahaha. I just don't know what I did to be here, I was a good wife, a good mother, a good girlfriend. I love the people I am with with everything I have and I am just left by myself......with the pain that others have so easily forgotten. Everyone seems to reap the benefits of my pain.
I better end now before this gets worse...............sorry to be so depressing. This too shall pass.

My heart.........

Some days I just want to indulge myself in remembering the day I gave away my heart. I know that "gave away" isn't a word we learn to use in the adoption world but sometimes I feel that way. I feel the day I placed him in their arms I gave them my heart. My everything, this beautiful life that we created and the bain of my exsistance for 9 months. A few things in the last week have happened that has left it weighing heavy on my mind. I created this blog not only to share my story but also as an outlet of my feelings. I realize alot of these thoughts are scattered and may not make sense but I feel I needed to write them down and share them for maybe someone else who needs to feel they aren't alone.

I have felt some feelings this last week that I haven't felt since the day that I had to sign the papers relinquishing my rights as his parent. Every time I think of those tender and heart wrenching moments I touch my heart. I didn't realize I was doing this until tonight. The problem is I don't even know where to begin with my emotions.

At the FSA conference they had a birthparent panel and one of the questions asked was "do you regret your decision" for alot of birthmoms I think the instant answer is "NO" not hesitating not thinking. For me regret isn't a word that I would choose to describe, yes I have had moments of sadness, pain, and wishing the outcome had been different. I've had moments where I miss him so much I feel like I am going to shatter from the pain. My heart aches just to have him lay in bed next to me........to feel him, to smell him, to change his diapers everyday, to have moments where he and I can just be mother and son and relish in that. I still do get to do alot of these things, though they are small amounts of time. They are moments that I want to be sure to say I am incredibly grateful for!!!

These moments of pain are real and happen more often than I care to admit. I do however choose to focus mostly on the joy. The immense love that I feel for that little boy and for his wonderful beautiful family. The closeness that I have with his mother and the love that we share for him. It's where the words "I didn't give him up, I gave him more" ring true and I remember that I gained more as well. More than I ever could have imagined and I'm brought back into the light and remember how full my heart is.

5 months...and what a way to celebrate....

Yesterday August 15, 2010 marked the 5 month birthday of my baby boy. Its hard to believe, it seems so long ago but then seems like just yesterday. What I wouldn't give to live those 5 days with him again, me and him in our place my "heaven" as I like to call it. Its hard to remember all the details and it makes me sad that my memory can diminish in such a small amount of time. I feel I need to grasp onto the small nuggets that I do remember. Hoping and praying I will never ever forget them. Sometimes I just ask God "please can we wind back time, just for a minute :) "
Lucky for me we have an open adoption and I can create so many more memories with him and his family. Friday they came with us to watch my little girl participate in the Mutton Busting in Alpine. Being a single mom sometimes I feel bad that KZ doesn't have all the cheerleaders that most married families do. We do have a wonderful family that supports me and KZ. One of the blessings of having Korbin's apart of our family now is they get to be there with us. They love KZ so much and I will forever be grateful for that.
I ran into a couple that we had met with to consider as adoptive parents (before we decided on Keith and Kerri) this last Saturday. It was wonderful to see her and luckily was only a slight bit awkward (which I'm sure was all me feeling it not her) As I drove home I thought about what if we had chose them. It reminds me how perfectly Keith and Kerri have been for us, not only Korbin but for KZ and that is one of the reasons I chose them. Not only could they give him a wonderful life, but they could also make room for my daughter as his sister. Just like everything else in this relationship it just works. Korbin is my daughters brother, but she understands that Keith and Kerri are his parents. Its such a beautiful thing and I am so grateful to them for opening their arms to us. After all they didn't have to....but what a beautiful family this has built. It reassured me again that I know that Korbin is theirs and what an amazing and beautiful family they are.
I spent the 15th ( a sunday) at church and then met with my stake president to receive the final signature for my temple recommend. I am so incredibly excited to get this back for several reasons but a HUGE one is so I can attend the sealing of Korbin to his family. What a beautiful day that will be and I absolutely cannot wait!!!!
I also spent the afternoon with Korbin, Keith and Kerri. I love being in their home, chatting with them about the blessing he has been in their life and of course getting my fill of baby snuggles and kisses. I sure do love that boy and his mama and daddy too :)

Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants

I love these women!!!!!
I am so incredibly blessed to be apart of an elite group we call "sisterhood of the maternity pants" These are my birthmama friends I have met through this process. Their strength amazes me!!! I feel so lucky and truly stand in aw of them. These are the most selfess women I know and am privledged to have them in my life! Love you girls!!!
Spent the weekend with them at the FSA conference attached a few pics below :)

Our friend who is also a birthfather and came to share his experience with us. Thanks for sharing J!! It was an insight that I know all of us appreciate hearing and I admire you for being open, honest and letting us all tease you all weekend :)

With one of our fav caseworkers!!

"Together by Diving Design"

Two weekends ago was the FSA National Conference. For those of you who don't know what FSA (Families Support Adoption) is its the non profit organization through LDS Family Services to promote adoption. We have had many oppurtunities to be involved with FSA including a parade in American Fork, some panel chats, and now the conference. What an incredible weekend it was!! I went home and cried because I just wanted to stay in the little adoption bubble there. :)
They had sooooo many amazing classes geared towards all walks of the adoption world. I met other birth moms, adoptive couples, birth fathers, birth grandparents and of course the amazing caseworkers involved with LDS family services!!! I learned and grew so much from this experience.
I want to focus on the theme for a second "Together by Divine Design". Some people can't understand it but for me I truly know that me having Korbin was apart of God's plan for me and him. I beleive that I was here to bring him into this world so he could be with his mom and dad. I believe that God brought us together and I will forever be grateful to him for this union.
No matter how hard it is sometimes facing your "sin" of getting pregnant as a unwed mother. I think that the peace I find in my choice triumphs over all that sadness. I know that God has his hand in this whole crazy experience and I know that I was lucky enough to be able to bring such a beautiful wonderful little boy into this world so he could be sealed to his family.
I had a chance to speak to Brandon and Alisha Doman after Brandon spoke as our keynote speaker. They adopted 4 beautiful children and he shared his families experience with us. It felt so amazing to have such a wonderful connection with people who were complete strangers before. My cousin actually married Brandon's sister and when they found out I was a birthmom they both hugged me. I'm not sure how to put into words how incredible it is to be apart of this "adoption bubble". I admire each and every adoptive couple I have met and I have even said if I could have a baby for each of them I totally would! I also love and adore each birthmom, I sit in aw of all of them and what amazing and selfless women they are.
I really <3 adoption!!!!! So grateful for FSA and for the oppurtunities they give to us to share our story and to heal from our experiences.
If any of you know anyone who is struggling with being single and pregnant please PLEASE refer them to LDS Family Serivces. Wether they are LDS or not, wether they want to place their baby for adoption, or parent they can help them through the process.
It truly is about love........