Some days I just want to indulge myself in remembering the day I gave away my heart. I know that "gave away" isn't a word we learn to use in the adoption world but sometimes I feel that way. I feel the day I placed him in their arms I gave them my heart. My everything, this beautiful life that we created and the bain of my exsistance for 9 months. A few things in the last week have happened that has left it weighing heavy on my mind. I created this blog not only to share my story but also as an outlet of my feelings. I realize alot of these thoughts are scattered and may not make sense but I feel I needed to write them down and share them for maybe someone else who needs to feel they aren't alone.
I have felt some feelings this last week that I haven't felt since the day that I had to sign the papers relinquishing my rights as his parent. Every time I think of those tender and heart wrenching moments I touch my heart. I didn't realize I was doing this until tonight. The problem is I don't even know where to begin with my emotions.
At the FSA conference they had a birthparent panel and one of the questions asked was "do you regret your decision" for alot of birthmoms I think the instant answer is "NO" not hesitating not thinking. For me regret isn't a word that I would choose to describe, yes I have had moments of sadness, pain, and wishing the outcome had been different. I've had moments where I miss him so much I feel like I am going to shatter from the pain. My heart aches just to have him lay in bed next to me........to feel him, to smell him, to change his diapers everyday, to have moments where he and I can just be mother and son and relish in that. I still do get to do alot of these things, though they are small amounts of time. They are moments that I want to be sure to say I am incredibly grateful for!!!
These moments of pain are real and happen more often than I care to admit. I do however choose to focus mostly on the joy. The immense love that I feel for that little boy and for his wonderful beautiful family. The closeness that I have with his mother and the love that we share for him. It's where the words "I didn't give him up, I gave him more" ring true and I remember that I gained more as well. More than I ever could have imagined and I'm brought back into the light and remember how full my heart is.
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