From my arms to hers.....

I know that this picture is my main pic but I feel it is so incredibly amazing that it deserves its own post.
I remember the first time I saw Kerrilyn, she was dressed so adorable, with cute matching jewelry. When we first started emailing she never held back, she wrote back ASAP and wrote so many long emails. Our first meeting she did all the talking :) And I was so grateful for it because I was so incredibly nervous and awkward. I remember DP saying that he loved Kerri because he knew that no matter what happened in Korbin's life she would have things taken care of. Boy is that the truth! She is always on top of everything and goes above and beyond in everything she does. People also say we look like each other, like sisters. She truly has become like a sister to me and I'm so incredibly grateful she has opened herself up to such a wonderful relationship with me and KZ.
I am so grateful that the Lord brought us together and has has created this wonderful family unit. People ask me all the time is it hard to be with him, is it hard to spend time with his family, how does it work? For us it just works, I really feel that we were meant to be a family. No matter how unique it may seem to others I couldn't be happier the way it has turn out.
I remember when I placed her in his arms after signing the reliquishment papers I whispered in her ear "tell him, tell him about the days we spent here together" and she said "you can". I can't explain how our open adoption works but it works perfectly. Sure do love ya Ker :)
The song I posted at the first of this blog I believe fits this picture perfectly. "From Gods arms, to my arms, to yours........"


"He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine........and so together, we are motherhood."
-Desha Wood

Man of my dreams....

So grateful Korbin has such good men to set a wonderful example in his life. His adoptive father is one of the most humble, strong,and kind men I know. I compare him to my own father, he is a wonderful exmple to Korbin and I hope he turns out to be just like him.
His birth father has so much strength, he's generous and even though he has a hard exterior he is a softy on the inside ;). And of course we can't forget good genes, after all he is half of why Korbin is so darn handsome.

And there he was........

Back to the story.....
I had been able to schedule a c-section because I had a c-section with KZ and I figured given work, the whole adoption thing it would be the easiest most convenient thing to do. After a couple months of baby shopping with Kerri, endless nights of no sleep because I had to wake up to pee :) And many more tears shed March 15th rolled around. I remember the day before was very surreal, for 8 months we had stressed, cried, fought, stressed some more, all my focus had been on this baby and he was coming in the morning.
DP came earlier Sunday afternoon and we spent the evening at my parents house where KZ would spend the night. We came home, he was actually excited. It was a bit weird for me cause I was just so in a daze like is this really happening? We stayed up late talking about random things and just hanging out like old times. It was a nice moment, one that I have thought about often and wished I could go back to. I hardly slept that night, I was up til probably about 3am watching tv. I was anxious, I was nervous, I was happy, I was freaked out! hahaha but eventually 5:30am came and we both woke up to get ready to go the hospital.
I got dressed in the lovely hospital gowns and we waited for my doctor to arrive. He is my favorite for sure! He was such a wonderful support during this pregnancy and my previous miscarriages in my marriage. I don't know what I would do without Dr. W! DP suited up in the surgery gowns and they rolled me away telling him they would come get him when I was ready. You get rolled into a FREEZING cold operating room and prepare to let 6 other people you have never met see you completely naked. Yeah good times. They gave me the spinal block then and I began to cry. You see.....going through a pregnancy without a spouse is SO much different than going through one without. I felt so lonely, even thought DP was good and supportive it wasn't the same as having your partner by your side. I started to panic as they laid me down and I decided then and there I didn't want to do this. I seriously thought in my head how can I get out of this now? Soon DP came in and I felt better having him by my side. When they brought baby Korbin out he had a head full of hair. Not just like normal baby hair, like a head full of adult hair and he was so incredibly adorable. Seriously not one of those "delusional" its my baby I carried him I'm doped up he has to be cute. He was the cutest baby I have ever seen ( no offense to others :P ) I couldn't stop saying "he's so cute" I think DP said I said it like 100 times. I want to tread on this statement I am going to say very lightly. I have another daughter and I love her with everything inside of me. That being said there is something about having a baby in this way, I had a HUGE sense of love and never ever thought I could love another human being so much. They took him for a minute to weigh him and clean him up and I was dying for them to bring him back. They put him in the bassinet and set him next to DP and I. I have never seen a newborn so awake, he just laid there with his eyes open starring at us. Like "hey I know you" I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, he was so incredible and for a minute I thought "he's all mine".
They whisked him away again to get him cleaned up and me all situated. As soon as we got back into my room him and DP came back and it was just us. He was ours....he was so beautiful and so wonderful and he was ours. We quickly called the Southards and my parents to come. I was in alot of pain on my right side so the nurses gave me Demoral which knocked me out pretty good. The rest of the morning and afternoon is a pretty big blur. I remember Kerri and Keith coming in and looking at him and crying. I remember Kerri and I looking at him and crying. I was so out of it but at that moment I was a proud mom and for the next few days he would be mine. I would change a few things about his delivery but I do not regret one bit spending that time with him in the hospital. Its our little peice of heaven and we joke that when he turns 5 we will rent that hospital room for me.
The next few days were quite a roller coaster. In my heart of hearts I knew he was the Southards little boy but from the moment I saw him I had to re think all my decisions. I didn't know how I was going to give him up and not be able to see him and care for him every day. Tuesday I took some time for me, I was in mama bear mode. I knew I only had a small amount of time to be his mom so I wanted him all to myself. I wanted to hold him, I wanted to change him, I wanted to feed him. DP was there in the evenings as well and both of our hearts just ached at the thought of what would happen at the end of the week.
Wednesday came and my caseworker came to see me. We discussed the previous plan and I had told her that I was struggling with the thought of placing him. I seriously didn't know how I was going to sign a piece of paper to give up my little boy. Keith and Kerri came later that day and I could tell she had been crying but I didn't want to pry why. I now know that my caseworker told them about my doubts. I wish I had been more open with them, but I didn't want to hurt them or worry them with my feelings. Because I knew the whole time I wasn't going to keep him, but my heart and my mind were having a battle. I felt sooo much joy, but so much pain all at the same time. Wednesday my doctor had told me that my insurance would cover for me to stay until friday and I was elated!!! I knew that even though I would always be in his life this was my only time to have him just for me.
Thursday I had asked DP to stay at the hospital during the day so we could discuss what was going to happen. Our caseworker came and we set the time and date for friday. I did it even though in the back of my head I wasn't sure I could go through with it. Keith and Kerri came that afternoon and brought me a nightgown which was so thoughtful of them. They were so understanding of me and the situation and I remember in particular that day I just wanted to hold him. They were so understanding of that.
That evening my friend came and took pictures of us. I am so incredibly lucky for that gift, they will be photos I will cherish for a long time. I wanted to keep him in my room all night, I wanted him to be by me because this was our last night together. Unfortunately I was exhausted and at about 2am he wouldn't stop crying so I had the nursery come and get him.
That morning was sort of a rush, had to get showered, dressed, packed and try to really process all that was going to happen within the next couple of hours. I didn't want to leave, I just wanted to stay there with him. It was time. Our caseworkers arrived a bit late because of traffic and she came in and told us to take some time and then we would sign the documents. I don't remember the first few moments........but after a few I took him in my arms and went and sat in the chair by the window. I held him, cried alot (of course) and talked to him about why we were doing this. I mentally told myself I would take 10 more minutes and then I would tell our caseworkers I was ready. A few minutes after that she came in and asked what was wrong and told me that time wasn't going to make this situation any easier. That totally set me off! This was the hardest thing I was ever going to do in my life and they were forcing me to move it along quicker???? I hate to admit it but my "oh no you didn't" attitude turned on and I told her I wanted more time. I told her and DP I wanted to take him home for a day or two and then I would be ready. That I wasn't ready yet. How can someone ever be truly ready to give up a wonderful beautiful life that had been apart of them? I told her to please get my dad because I needed someone understanding to come and speak to me. He came in and instantly I started bawling and going into hysteria. I told my dad I just wanted a bit longer that I couldn't do this right now, I couldn't give him up. My dad in all his wisdom said the perfect most amazing thing. He said that when the Savior was in the garden during the atonement he wasn't ready either. He asked of Heavenly Father "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Even though He wasn't ready He let God's will happen. He knew it was apart of the plan. I would never truly be ready but I needed to let God's will happen. I needed to let this baby boy have a mother and father who loved and cared for him, loved each other, could give him an eternal family and many other things that DP and I couldn't. I took a few more minutes and told them to get the caseworker we were ready to sign.
The signing of the papers was extremely difficult and I feel I am still much to fragile to speak about it. The words in those documents leave no room for misunderstanding and they say exactly how final this decision is. I remember hurting for me, but also hurting so much for DP. I don't even know much more to say about that situation except it ended and we moved on.
I need to end for now...this does have a good ending but its far too emotional for me and I need to take a moment.
Until next time......

We interupt this story.....

I will finish my experience soon....being a single full time workin mama doesn't leave alot of time for blogging so I appreciate your patience. I feel I should also warn you I am using this blog not only as a place to share my story as well as an outlet.
It's been a hard weekend and beginning of the week for me. Don't you just hate when all your mistakes come to smack you straight in the face? The worst things you have done in life just rise to the surface and you go through living through them all over again. I know this is a BIG problem for me and mostly my fault but this tends to happen to me ALOT.
I finally shouted at the ceiling (hahaha does anyone else talk to the ceiling while yelling at God?) just asking why. I really haven't been a why me person, through this whole experience I have come to God many many times on my knees begging for guidance, begging for peace in my life. This was one of the few times I truly was just angry and yes I directed it at Him. I won't go into the reason why here will keep my "why me's" to myself as I'm sure is where we would all like them to stay.
Just needed a small vent. Thank you for letting me :) The other thing I need to remind myself is for the immense grattitude I have for Korbin and for his family. There are so many times I feel literally overwhelemed with love for them. I am not ashamed of my adoption, I feel that everything I have done in my life has brought me to this point. I have never felt so much love for another person as I feel for Korbin. Sometimes that love just hurts a little. I just can't figure out why.
Vent over! Will share the beautiful moments I spent in the hospital soon.

And there they were....

Around the first of October I started looking at families that were looking to adopt. I started with LDS family services, luckily I had been meeting with them from the first week I had found out I was pregnant. My caseworker (Lo) was the very bestest ever! She never made me feel any pressure, she helped me work, dig, explore through every single option possible. She said to me one day "I want you to leave here thinking ok I'm going to keep this baby and see how that feels" I didn't even have to leave thinking that, just hearing that I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Then she said "ok leave here thinking you are going to place this baby for adoption" and so I went forward with that.
I started looking online at their website where they posted the profiles of the adoptive couples. I don't remember if it was the first or second days of looking at profiles but I came across the Southards profile. I looked at their blog and I remember crying and thinking "their it". They looked like the "ideal" family, cute mom, handsome boys. I will admit the first things I looked at for adoptive parents are very superficial. My first contact with them was soon after about October 15th I think it was? We met them around the first of November at Olive Garden after emailing for several weeks. I look back at that day with so much joy, they were right there. This little life I was carrying inside of me, these were his parents. We did both adore them, they were so easy to talk to and luckily Kerrilyn was very talkative. It really saved me from feeling even more akward than I already did.
Between all of this we found out "this baby" was a baby boy. I remember sitting at the hospital with DP hoping it was a little girl. Cause I thought in my mind if it was a girl I wouldn't want to keep her as badly cause I already had one of those. Terrible I know...but sure enough first thing we saw was absolutely no question that it was NOT a girl. It was most certainly a boy and he wasn't afraid to hide it. We walked over to Marie Calendars to have some dinner and our banana cream pie ritual after every doctor appt. We talked about what he would be like, who he would look like and how much harder it would make it now being able to know the gender just gave each of us a bit more attachment to this little boy. Especially for me, because I loved DP. Even though I knew our future together as a married couple was very bleak, my heart really loved him. The thought of carrying someone who could look like him, be like him, a little DP made the thought of placing him that more difficult.
I met about 7 other couples besides them. I still wasn't getting the feeling I was looking for, I wanted that "AHA!" moment of this is it, angels singing all what you picture in an answer that has such a great impact as this one did. It never came and as we rolled into January my caseworker was telling me "if it isn't a yes its a no" so sadly I let all of our potential couples go including the Southards. It was exhausting for me to think of starting all over again I just felt I needed the for sure answer.
A few weeks later I had been emailing another couple and discussing my daughters roll in his life. They mentioned it might be hard for their children to have her involved because of the confusion that would cause, and that they would wait 6 months for me to be able to see him again. I was SO upset!! How on earth could someone ask that?? Then it hit me! All this time the Southards had said they are as open as we want to be, and that KZ could see him as much as she wanted. Not only that but Kerrilyn said how much she wanted a ton of kids and she was realizing that would never happen. So having Kirsten around and being this little boys sister would be like she was one of her kids. It dawned on me, why can't I give both of my kids the best. I can give this baby boy a loving home, with wonderful parents, who are sealed togther and can give him all he wants, needs and more. But also give my little girl a family that can give her the relationship she wants and needs with her brother. They were it!!!! I called DP, Lo and told them this was it. Lo said she wouldn't normally suggest it but she thought I should go and surprise her. After a little back and forth I found her home and told her I was sorry for all the heartache I had put them through and had decided they were it! We hugged and cried and talked until late that evening. Its strange to look back to that day, I still had alot of insecurities and unsureities in me. I'm so grateful for the Lord's hand in helping me find them.

Where to begin......

It's so hard to find where to start when so much has happened in the last year. How can you write about all the emotion, the joys, the sorrows, the days where I couldn't be happier, and days where I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out. It's been quite the year but I wouldn't trade any of it for the world (ok maybe just a thing or two). My journey to adoption has been a long one but I never would have imagined what an incredible blessing it is in my life.
I will start by telling you a little about myself. I (mar mar as I tend to be called) was born in Salt Lake City, Utah. I was the second to youngest of 6 kids, a wonderful family that has now expanded to add 15 grandkids. After highschool I attended Snow College where I met my daughters dad. In September of 2001 I got married, and in December of 2003 we started a family. My whole life I had wanted to be a wife and mother and I felt incredibly blessed to be both. My daughter (KZ) was born in 2003 and I was lucky enough to stay at home with her and just be a mom. In 2007 I got divorced from her dad. At the time it was of course one of the hardest things I had ever been through. Like most trials there were small nuggets of lessons learned and blessings that I have been lucky enough to see through the sadness. I learned alot about myself being a single mom and even though it's still hard I don't think I would take any of it away.
Up until October of 2009 I had worked part-time as a nanny, staying with my daughter and taking care of some wonderful families. In October I found a job as a buyers assistant for an online retailer.
The biggest thing that happened last year is what brings me to starting this blog so I will stop with the autobiography and dive right into that. In April I had re connected with a friend I had met in college ( DP). We met over 10 years ago when both of us were just 18. I remember thinking he was a bit goofy and he had quite the crush on me (who can blame him ;) ;) ). One of our dates was New Years Eve and I remember he tried to kiss me and I literally bent over backwards trying to dodge the kiss. He went on to serve a mission, get married and have a daughter as well (little G).
Here we were 10 years later had found eachother on facebook. We talked and laughed and caught up on eachothers lives. Ironically we joked about if we had gotten married and had little DP's running around. We went out and had a good time and spent alot of time with eachother that summer. In July we had quite the surprise and found out we were pregnant. It's very strange for me to look back on that day. I was talking to DP earlier that day telling him I thought I was a little late but wasn't that late and wasn't overally worried about it. He said well lets just take a test and see. I never ever would have even thought it would be positive. Soon as I set it down on the counter a plus sign popped up right away. I ran out of the bathroom saying to DP "something has to be wrong with that, I think I'm seeing things you better go in there". Sure enough it was positive and we both were stunned (he claims he wasn't, he says he just knew I was even before I took the test)
We contemplated all of our options and I mean ALL of them. We narrowed down to either the M word or adoption, and as the months passed the big M wasn't looking good. In September it was decided that wasn't going to happen and honestly my world fell apart. Even though I knew from the start that DP and I would never make a good fit for the big M word I would have given anything up, even my own real happiness to keep this little baby growing inside of me. I cried for months every single day. Not only because of a broken heart but because of the looming thought of this little life growing inside of me and what would be the fate of that.
So then our options changed, we either single parent this child or place him for adoption. I explored both of those options, I mean literally looked at ever single possibility and in my heart of hearts I knew the best option would be adoption. Alot of people ask "me why adoption"? Both DP and I are already single parents we are both perfectly capable so why not just keep the baby? That's the advantage I felt both of us had, we knew what it was like to be a single parent. We know how hard it is to put a child in daycare, to balance working full time and being a full time parent. But most important was we both know how hard it is to shuttle our kids back and forth between 2 homes. Not to have our children have a stable home where their mom and dad are married and can give them all the advantages that come with that. That is what we wanted for this child, to have a mom and a dad that could give them what we couldn't.
So the search began, the daunting task of finding this child's parents. All the while in the back of my head wondering if I could really do it. If I could really give birth to this baby and give it to someone else. I know the proper word isn't "give" its "place" but at that time that is what I felt like I was doing. Was giving my baby up and giving up a piece of myself with him.
To be continued.......

WARNING: When I write online all grammar and spelling goes out the window. I can't sit and read ever sentence and come it for perfect writting and tell all my emotions at the same time. So just letting you know ahead of time bad grammar ahead. I apologize hope it doesn't drive ya too crazy.

From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Yours

Under Construction.....

While I am trying to figure this whole blog thing out enjoy one of my favorite songs and my inspiration. I will never forget the first time I heard this song.....I sent it to the mama of the baby I was carrying (I like to call her kerri :) ) I sobbed all night long listening to over and over again. I remember asking her to tell him, she said she would. Lucky me gets to tell him myself. Enjoy :) Oh and be sure to grab a tissue!