Where to begin......

It's so hard to find where to start when so much has happened in the last year. How can you write about all the emotion, the joys, the sorrows, the days where I couldn't be happier, and days where I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out. It's been quite the year but I wouldn't trade any of it for the world (ok maybe just a thing or two). My journey to adoption has been a long one but I never would have imagined what an incredible blessing it is in my life.
I will start by telling you a little about myself. I (mar mar as I tend to be called) was born in Salt Lake City, Utah. I was the second to youngest of 6 kids, a wonderful family that has now expanded to add 15 grandkids. After highschool I attended Snow College where I met my daughters dad. In September of 2001 I got married, and in December of 2003 we started a family. My whole life I had wanted to be a wife and mother and I felt incredibly blessed to be both. My daughter (KZ) was born in 2003 and I was lucky enough to stay at home with her and just be a mom. In 2007 I got divorced from her dad. At the time it was of course one of the hardest things I had ever been through. Like most trials there were small nuggets of lessons learned and blessings that I have been lucky enough to see through the sadness. I learned alot about myself being a single mom and even though it's still hard I don't think I would take any of it away.
Up until October of 2009 I had worked part-time as a nanny, staying with my daughter and taking care of some wonderful families. In October I found a job as a buyers assistant for an online retailer.
The biggest thing that happened last year is what brings me to starting this blog so I will stop with the autobiography and dive right into that. In April I had re connected with a friend I had met in college ( DP). We met over 10 years ago when both of us were just 18. I remember thinking he was a bit goofy and he had quite the crush on me (who can blame him ;) ;) ). One of our dates was New Years Eve and I remember he tried to kiss me and I literally bent over backwards trying to dodge the kiss. He went on to serve a mission, get married and have a daughter as well (little G).
Here we were 10 years later had found eachother on facebook. We talked and laughed and caught up on eachothers lives. Ironically we joked about if we had gotten married and had little DP's running around. We went out and had a good time and spent alot of time with eachother that summer. In July we had quite the surprise and found out we were pregnant. It's very strange for me to look back on that day. I was talking to DP earlier that day telling him I thought I was a little late but wasn't that late and wasn't overally worried about it. He said well lets just take a test and see. I never ever would have even thought it would be positive. Soon as I set it down on the counter a plus sign popped up right away. I ran out of the bathroom saying to DP "something has to be wrong with that, I think I'm seeing things you better go in there". Sure enough it was positive and we both were stunned (he claims he wasn't, he says he just knew I was even before I took the test)
We contemplated all of our options and I mean ALL of them. We narrowed down to either the M word or adoption, and as the months passed the big M wasn't looking good. In September it was decided that wasn't going to happen and honestly my world fell apart. Even though I knew from the start that DP and I would never make a good fit for the big M word I would have given anything up, even my own real happiness to keep this little baby growing inside of me. I cried for months every single day. Not only because of a broken heart but because of the looming thought of this little life growing inside of me and what would be the fate of that.
So then our options changed, we either single parent this child or place him for adoption. I explored both of those options, I mean literally looked at ever single possibility and in my heart of hearts I knew the best option would be adoption. Alot of people ask "me why adoption"? Both DP and I are already single parents we are both perfectly capable so why not just keep the baby? That's the advantage I felt both of us had, we knew what it was like to be a single parent. We know how hard it is to put a child in daycare, to balance working full time and being a full time parent. But most important was we both know how hard it is to shuttle our kids back and forth between 2 homes. Not to have our children have a stable home where their mom and dad are married and can give them all the advantages that come with that. That is what we wanted for this child, to have a mom and a dad that could give them what we couldn't.
So the search began, the daunting task of finding this child's parents. All the while in the back of my head wondering if I could really do it. If I could really give birth to this baby and give it to someone else. I know the proper word isn't "give" its "place" but at that time that is what I felt like I was doing. Was giving my baby up and giving up a piece of myself with him.
To be continued.......

WARNING: When I write online all grammar and spelling goes out the window. I can't sit and read ever sentence and come it for perfect writting and tell all my emotions at the same time. So just letting you know ahead of time bad grammar ahead. I apologize hope it doesn't drive ya too crazy.