And there he was........

Back to the story.....
I had been able to schedule a c-section because I had a c-section with KZ and I figured given work, the whole adoption thing it would be the easiest most convenient thing to do. After a couple months of baby shopping with Kerri, endless nights of no sleep because I had to wake up to pee :) And many more tears shed March 15th rolled around. I remember the day before was very surreal, for 8 months we had stressed, cried, fought, stressed some more, all my focus had been on this baby and he was coming in the morning.
DP came earlier Sunday afternoon and we spent the evening at my parents house where KZ would spend the night. We came home, he was actually excited. It was a bit weird for me cause I was just so in a daze like is this really happening? We stayed up late talking about random things and just hanging out like old times. It was a nice moment, one that I have thought about often and wished I could go back to. I hardly slept that night, I was up til probably about 3am watching tv. I was anxious, I was nervous, I was happy, I was freaked out! hahaha but eventually 5:30am came and we both woke up to get ready to go the hospital.
I got dressed in the lovely hospital gowns and we waited for my doctor to arrive. He is my favorite for sure! He was such a wonderful support during this pregnancy and my previous miscarriages in my marriage. I don't know what I would do without Dr. W! DP suited up in the surgery gowns and they rolled me away telling him they would come get him when I was ready. You get rolled into a FREEZING cold operating room and prepare to let 6 other people you have never met see you completely naked. Yeah good times. They gave me the spinal block then and I began to cry. You see.....going through a pregnancy without a spouse is SO much different than going through one without. I felt so lonely, even thought DP was good and supportive it wasn't the same as having your partner by your side. I started to panic as they laid me down and I decided then and there I didn't want to do this. I seriously thought in my head how can I get out of this now? Soon DP came in and I felt better having him by my side. When they brought baby Korbin out he had a head full of hair. Not just like normal baby hair, like a head full of adult hair and he was so incredibly adorable. Seriously not one of those "delusional" its my baby I carried him I'm doped up he has to be cute. He was the cutest baby I have ever seen ( no offense to others :P ) I couldn't stop saying "he's so cute" I think DP said I said it like 100 times. I want to tread on this statement I am going to say very lightly. I have another daughter and I love her with everything inside of me. That being said there is something about having a baby in this way, I had a HUGE sense of love and never ever thought I could love another human being so much. They took him for a minute to weigh him and clean him up and I was dying for them to bring him back. They put him in the bassinet and set him next to DP and I. I have never seen a newborn so awake, he just laid there with his eyes open starring at us. Like "hey I know you" I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, he was so incredible and for a minute I thought "he's all mine".
They whisked him away again to get him cleaned up and me all situated. As soon as we got back into my room him and DP came back and it was just us. He was ours....he was so beautiful and so wonderful and he was ours. We quickly called the Southards and my parents to come. I was in alot of pain on my right side so the nurses gave me Demoral which knocked me out pretty good. The rest of the morning and afternoon is a pretty big blur. I remember Kerri and Keith coming in and looking at him and crying. I remember Kerri and I looking at him and crying. I was so out of it but at that moment I was a proud mom and for the next few days he would be mine. I would change a few things about his delivery but I do not regret one bit spending that time with him in the hospital. Its our little peice of heaven and we joke that when he turns 5 we will rent that hospital room for me.
The next few days were quite a roller coaster. In my heart of hearts I knew he was the Southards little boy but from the moment I saw him I had to re think all my decisions. I didn't know how I was going to give him up and not be able to see him and care for him every day. Tuesday I took some time for me, I was in mama bear mode. I knew I only had a small amount of time to be his mom so I wanted him all to myself. I wanted to hold him, I wanted to change him, I wanted to feed him. DP was there in the evenings as well and both of our hearts just ached at the thought of what would happen at the end of the week.
Wednesday came and my caseworker came to see me. We discussed the previous plan and I had told her that I was struggling with the thought of placing him. I seriously didn't know how I was going to sign a piece of paper to give up my little boy. Keith and Kerri came later that day and I could tell she had been crying but I didn't want to pry why. I now know that my caseworker told them about my doubts. I wish I had been more open with them, but I didn't want to hurt them or worry them with my feelings. Because I knew the whole time I wasn't going to keep him, but my heart and my mind were having a battle. I felt sooo much joy, but so much pain all at the same time. Wednesday my doctor had told me that my insurance would cover for me to stay until friday and I was elated!!! I knew that even though I would always be in his life this was my only time to have him just for me.
Thursday I had asked DP to stay at the hospital during the day so we could discuss what was going to happen. Our caseworker came and we set the time and date for friday. I did it even though in the back of my head I wasn't sure I could go through with it. Keith and Kerri came that afternoon and brought me a nightgown which was so thoughtful of them. They were so understanding of me and the situation and I remember in particular that day I just wanted to hold him. They were so understanding of that.
That evening my friend came and took pictures of us. I am so incredibly lucky for that gift, they will be photos I will cherish for a long time. I wanted to keep him in my room all night, I wanted him to be by me because this was our last night together. Unfortunately I was exhausted and at about 2am he wouldn't stop crying so I had the nursery come and get him.
That morning was sort of a rush, had to get showered, dressed, packed and try to really process all that was going to happen within the next couple of hours. I didn't want to leave, I just wanted to stay there with him. It was time. Our caseworkers arrived a bit late because of traffic and she came in and told us to take some time and then we would sign the documents. I don't remember the first few moments........but after a few I took him in my arms and went and sat in the chair by the window. I held him, cried alot (of course) and talked to him about why we were doing this. I mentally told myself I would take 10 more minutes and then I would tell our caseworkers I was ready. A few minutes after that she came in and asked what was wrong and told me that time wasn't going to make this situation any easier. That totally set me off! This was the hardest thing I was ever going to do in my life and they were forcing me to move it along quicker???? I hate to admit it but my "oh no you didn't" attitude turned on and I told her I wanted more time. I told her and DP I wanted to take him home for a day or two and then I would be ready. That I wasn't ready yet. How can someone ever be truly ready to give up a wonderful beautiful life that had been apart of them? I told her to please get my dad because I needed someone understanding to come and speak to me. He came in and instantly I started bawling and going into hysteria. I told my dad I just wanted a bit longer that I couldn't do this right now, I couldn't give him up. My dad in all his wisdom said the perfect most amazing thing. He said that when the Savior was in the garden during the atonement he wasn't ready either. He asked of Heavenly Father "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Even though He wasn't ready He let God's will happen. He knew it was apart of the plan. I would never truly be ready but I needed to let God's will happen. I needed to let this baby boy have a mother and father who loved and cared for him, loved each other, could give him an eternal family and many other things that DP and I couldn't. I took a few more minutes and told them to get the caseworker we were ready to sign.
The signing of the papers was extremely difficult and I feel I am still much to fragile to speak about it. The words in those documents leave no room for misunderstanding and they say exactly how final this decision is. I remember hurting for me, but also hurting so much for DP. I don't even know much more to say about that situation except it ended and we moved on.
I need to end for now...this does have a good ending but its far too emotional for me and I need to take a moment.
Until next time......