And there they were....

Around the first of October I started looking at families that were looking to adopt. I started with LDS family services, luckily I had been meeting with them from the first week I had found out I was pregnant. My caseworker (Lo) was the very bestest ever! She never made me feel any pressure, she helped me work, dig, explore through every single option possible. She said to me one day "I want you to leave here thinking ok I'm going to keep this baby and see how that feels" I didn't even have to leave thinking that, just hearing that I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Then she said "ok leave here thinking you are going to place this baby for adoption" and so I went forward with that.
I started looking online at their website where they posted the profiles of the adoptive couples. I don't remember if it was the first or second days of looking at profiles but I came across the Southards profile. I looked at their blog and I remember crying and thinking "their it". They looked like the "ideal" family, cute mom, handsome boys. I will admit the first things I looked at for adoptive parents are very superficial. My first contact with them was soon after about October 15th I think it was? We met them around the first of November at Olive Garden after emailing for several weeks. I look back at that day with so much joy, they were right there. This little life I was carrying inside of me, these were his parents. We did both adore them, they were so easy to talk to and luckily Kerrilyn was very talkative. It really saved me from feeling even more akward than I already did.
Between all of this we found out "this baby" was a baby boy. I remember sitting at the hospital with DP hoping it was a little girl. Cause I thought in my mind if it was a girl I wouldn't want to keep her as badly cause I already had one of those. Terrible I know...but sure enough first thing we saw was absolutely no question that it was NOT a girl. It was most certainly a boy and he wasn't afraid to hide it. We walked over to Marie Calendars to have some dinner and our banana cream pie ritual after every doctor appt. We talked about what he would be like, who he would look like and how much harder it would make it now being able to know the gender just gave each of us a bit more attachment to this little boy. Especially for me, because I loved DP. Even though I knew our future together as a married couple was very bleak, my heart really loved him. The thought of carrying someone who could look like him, be like him, a little DP made the thought of placing him that more difficult.
I met about 7 other couples besides them. I still wasn't getting the feeling I was looking for, I wanted that "AHA!" moment of this is it, angels singing all what you picture in an answer that has such a great impact as this one did. It never came and as we rolled into January my caseworker was telling me "if it isn't a yes its a no" so sadly I let all of our potential couples go including the Southards. It was exhausting for me to think of starting all over again I just felt I needed the for sure answer.
A few weeks later I had been emailing another couple and discussing my daughters roll in his life. They mentioned it might be hard for their children to have her involved because of the confusion that would cause, and that they would wait 6 months for me to be able to see him again. I was SO upset!! How on earth could someone ask that?? Then it hit me! All this time the Southards had said they are as open as we want to be, and that KZ could see him as much as she wanted. Not only that but Kerrilyn said how much she wanted a ton of kids and she was realizing that would never happen. So having Kirsten around and being this little boys sister would be like she was one of her kids. It dawned on me, why can't I give both of my kids the best. I can give this baby boy a loving home, with wonderful parents, who are sealed togther and can give him all he wants, needs and more. But also give my little girl a family that can give her the relationship she wants and needs with her brother. They were it!!!! I called DP, Lo and told them this was it. Lo said she wouldn't normally suggest it but she thought I should go and surprise her. After a little back and forth I found her home and told her I was sorry for all the heartache I had put them through and had decided they were it! We hugged and cried and talked until late that evening. Its strange to look back to that day, I still had alot of insecurities and unsureities in me. I'm so grateful for the Lord's hand in helping me find them.